Things I need to do to make New York Times best-seller list

2011 January 19
by Don Hammack

As I saw earlier tonight on the Twitter machine, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi claims she is a New York Times best-selling author now. Here are thing I apparently need to do to get my 2011 NaNoWriMo novel, “The Sure Thing,” published:

Use more bronzer.

Carla does say that I’m monochromatic, from my grey-white hair down to my pasty skin.

Bitch about Obama taxing my tanning bed time.

See above on pastiness.

Get sloppy drunk and arrested on the boardwalk.

I’ve had a few cocktails in my life, but never been arrested.

Boob job.

I used to have some moobs. Does that count?

Get shorter.

Note to self: Find taller friendss.

Do my hair in that BumpIt thing she likes.

Hello? Hair Club for Men?

Wear outlandish clothing.

Not unless Carla says it’s OK. She wins in any fashion discussion. Them’s the rules.

Get in fights with roommates.

I’m a lover, not a fighter.

Dance outrageously, allowing my thong to show.

OK. I could do that.

Any that I’ve missed?

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